Remodel Therapy

Well guys, I’ve been working my butt off since coming back from Stanford, but my brain’s been on a major mental strike. “Don’t make me think, don’t make me think!” I’m maxed out. Emotionally spent. Writing’s been like… trying to draw water from an empty well – or –  maybe there are more words currently flowing than ever before but something is blocking them from forming on the page? I hope one day it’ll finally come spilling out in beautiful, glorious cohesion and not like a giant spew of vomit!

I’d like to start by thanking all of YOU for standing by as my husband and I continue to weather through the most difficult season of our lives. We’ve been absolutely blown away by this newfound, ever-growing support system of Instagrammers and bloggers! Our hearts still feel freshly wounded, the medical bills keep coming, and the bad news seems to just PILE on….. but your words, prayers, gifts, financial blessings ($23K+), and relationships, have carried us through; You have truly been His Hands and Feet.

I wondered if letting a whole year pass with just  o n e   single entry on this blog was going to plummet my readership, but I came back and discovered the exact opposite. I can’t believe how much activity this site has had, and I feel so, soooo honored (and flattered) that you’re still coming back to see what I have to say! (Oh the irony that NOW is when I’d experience Writer’s Block!) Starting on January 30th, the day Cruz died, My Colonial ReMODel had over 3,000 hits in just a few hours, and not a day has passed since that there hasn’t been people visiting from all over the world – 91 countries to be exact. I want to take the time to acknowledge my top ten, most-faithful foreign countries and say, “Hello, from little ol’ me in Portland!”  

U.S., of course, you’re at the tippy-top, my fellow ‘Mericans!

1. Canada – Hey! I have family and friends from BC… thanks for reading.

2.  Australia – G’day;) I have to thank IG for all 1,300+ of you!

3.  UK – Hello!

4. Switzerland – Hallo!

5. Germany – Hallo!

6. Sweden – Halla!

7. Mexico – Hola!

8.  Italy – Ciao!

9. Brazil – Ola!

10. France – Bonjour!

Interacting with ALL of you on Instagram is one of my favorite things to do in a day, and I try my best to keep up and respond to your comments/posts/tags (although I know I’ve also missed a ton, and for that I apologize). I’ve connected with many moms like myself, having buried one or more children, and I’ve even come across parents with surviving OTC deficient children. I’ve been in contact with bloggers and interior designers who I may have never networked with had it not been for this unfortunate situation. My small little social circle has expanded and exploded in a matter of months, and suddenly the world seems so much bigger (and my tragic loss doesn’t seem so unusual… most certainly not as unfair).

The occasional, unexpected run-ins have been the most fun, although it makes me think twice before running errands without any makeup on! It always starts with an awkward stare… at the mall, restaurants, (most surprising was at Skamania Lodge in Washington)! I can tell you’re trying to figure out why you recognize me, and then the question, “Are you Cruz’s mom?” usually follows. I am SO happy to answer yes, then within minutes we’re crying together, discussing how much he changed our whole perspective on parenting/raising kids; not taking them for granted, cherishing ALL the moments, having extended grace and patience… all because of my little fighter guy. + + +These interactions remind me that, though Cruz’s life on this earth was short, his purpose still lives on. + + +

I’m looking forward this new season (as strange as it may be)! I certainly never imagined being here. I’m so thankful I have something like My Colonial ReMODel to immerse myself in during my darkest moments.  I need big, in-my-face projects to distract me from my reality sometimes…. is that bad? I’ve never been someone to go with the grain, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’ve resorted to “remodel therapy” when the conventional thing in my situation would be grief counseling. There’s something to be said though, for everyone, about working with your hands. It’s SO THERAPEUTIC! On the days that I turn to TV or lying around thinking, “I just need a break”,  I only end up feeling depressed, exhausted, and anxious. Blue-collaring, as I call it, relieves stress, gives the mind something simple to focus on, and leaves you feeling accomplished at the end of the day.

I should probably tell you that, for a while there I was wrestling with this whole “remodel blogger” concept… feeling internal conflict over whether I should be wasting my time with things so materialistic and lacking all seriousness. I didn’t want to bag the blog all together, but what if I had lost my passion and vision for it? So…….. I finally have people reading and I’m just gonna walk away??? (Sidenote: Right after you lose someone you SWEAR you’ll never take interest in anything carnal EVER again, and you’re frustrated with those who still do. Then you eventually realize that if life is ALL serious ALL the time, it’s too hard, too stressful, too mundane; lacking joy, fun, excitement, variety, and flavor. You’re not really living. For some reason or another, you NEED the meaningless things to lighten the weight laying heavy on your heart.) While going back and forth with myself, I stumbled across this image in my phone, a screenshot I’d taken of my morning devotions while still in early months of pregnancy with Cruz:

months of pregnancy with Cruz

I know this verse is more metaphorical than literal, but it’s funny how Scripture can take on new meanings and interpretations depending on where we’re at in life, and it’s as though I had taken note of this KNOWING I’d need to read it again at a later time. As pastors, Jared and I have dedicated our lives to “rebuilding” ;  spiritually parenting the fatherless/motherless youth in our ministry… helping recovering users… intervening in hurting marriages… and as fulfilling as our job can be, we can also get discouraged when we put so much work into a non-tangible problem or situation and see it continue to fall apart. So, having a physical job to get our hands dirty with, i.e. My Colonial ReMODel, is exactly what we need to bring balance to our lives. It’s drastically different from what we do for a living, yet so cohesive because it all revolves around this concept of rebuilding – not building from the ground up – but REbuilding that which is broken. I’m so thankful for this verse, because without it I think I’d still be contemplating where to go from here.

As promised, I added a tab to my ^menu^ called #iheartcruz. This is a link to my new, personal blog, LOVE HURTS || LOVE HEALS. You can casually follow from here, or go and subscribe to be notified when I post – either way – it will now be the only place where I’ll make entries about Cruz, future family planning, adoption, test results, etc. For my sake and for yours, I did this because I needed to start compartmentalizing and keeping my messy life separate from the remodel. {{“Don’t mix business with pleasure” …or in my case… NOT-pleasure.}}  I’ve also redesigned a few pages, given you direct access to my NEW shop @B_ART_STUDIOS, and soon you’ll even see video tours coming to My Colonial ReMODel! (Yes, all the vlogging requests finally got to me, and I finally got over the nerves of talking in front of the camera… sorta…) Also, I’m collaborating with my sister-in-love (who happens to be an uh-mazing interior designer!) to build a “Dream with B” page… full of future 3D virtual designs for each room! This way you can grasp my vision room-by-room, and see the end goal behind all the little projects we have going on ’round here!

I’m super excited about what’s to come… Jared and I are just days out from starting on some MAJOR projects – the biggest projects we’ve done since the initial demolition! We’ve been saving for a while now, and thanks to some of YOU, the medical-money-pit hasn’t impacted our remodel reserves. The only sad news is, we found out we have to redo ALL the plumbing, which is gonna run about $6K and destroy our beautifully finished walls 😦 This will eat into our kitchen budget as well, so we have to wait for Spring to start on that now. BOO-HOO! But (there is a but), our contractor came out on Thursday to go over plans for our master on-suite and the downstairs bath, so we should be “breaking ground” (so to speak) on these projects by next week! EEEEEK!

Once again, WELCOME to all you newcomers, thank you EVERYONE for your friendship and LOVE – let’s do this thang.

 

XO,

– B

 

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Remodel Therapy

  1. Love it B!!!! Love how you make the world beautiful with your life, art, remodeling, music, fashion– you name it you do it!!!! Can’t wait to keep watching the process & reading along!!! xoxox

  2. Well for one the blog layout looks fabulous! That’s a lot of work and it looks great! Two, we are currently ripping out all of the old cast iron pipes in our house (built in 1952) wall by wall, ceiling by ceiling and replacing them with PVC and PEX. It’s a mess but worth it! We have holes in random places in our house but one day everything will be pretty again and the stuff behind the walls that we’ll never see again (don’t you hate spending money on that stuff?!) will be just fabulous. Ok and lastly I get what you mean about not wanting to do things that seem materialistic. Long story short I went to college for Interior Design, got a job right out of college at a super high end residential firm with equally high maintenance clients. Well, in the process I met my now husband. At the time he was on drugs (little did I know), struggling with alcohol, had some other major issues and I became extremely lost. Looking back it’s basically a miracle we are where we are now and my husband recovered from what was his life. During this I was so sick of going to work and people worrying about things like their backsplash being finished in time for a dinner party (all I ever thought was “hello don’t people have REAL problems?”) So, I quit and decided to go to nursing school, because I thought that was a REAL job, where you were dealing with real things and people had real perspective. Well; that wasn’t for me and I realized…who stinking cares if what I was doing for a living wasn’t “serious”. The part I loved about it was making people happy…and if people are happy in their homes and it makes life with their families better then that’s important! Regardless of all the other nonsense in between. So in my wordy, poorly explained words I’m trying to say good for you for doing what you love whatever that may be! It makes you happy, it makes a beautiful home for your family, it provides you with stress relief which makes you a better wife and mom and I’m sure if you’re happy it makes other people happy. As a stranger it even makes me happy 🙂 Oh and if I had a dollar for every time I took a verse in its literal context as if it was written just for my situation I’d have enough money to finish our upstairs bathroom renovation. I think God definitely puts things out there for you in certain situations, and that verse about rebuilding was meant to encourage you in your passions! Go for it!

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